Forever
by rantandrumour
Summary: He's lost her. Forever. And its his fault that he did.
1. Chris

**Like I've said to a few people, this fic is different from all my others, mainly only because of the characters I'm playing with. I've looked through all my fics and realised that one character always gets left out. So here's his chapter...**

**Chapter One: Chris  
**

He had messed everything up. It was his fault. He thought she had to have the best, and he made sure she had the best. And he had gone corrupt trying to pay off what he thought she needed. He had disappointed the Guv. He had disappointed DI Drake. He had disappointed Ray. But most of all he had disappointed her. She didn't talk to him for days afterward, and then it wasn't the same. Their love had changed. She had seemed to distance herself from him. She had gone to her dress fitting, but then when DI Drake had nearly died, she had cut herself off from him completely.

He had gone to her flat, but she refused to answer the door. He had tried to talk to her at work, but she hardly said a word. Her temper had increased tenfold. He didn't know how to deal with it, and when she had given him back the ring that had caused all the trouble in the first place, it had been somewhat of a relief. It had only been a relief because he hadn't been hanging in limbo anymore. He had a closure. But he still loved her, and when she had broken it off, his heart felt like it was breaking. He had always thought the expression 'heartbroken' was just an expression. Now he realised, that one could actually _feel _their heart break. He could feel it in his chest. When she had broken it off, he felt a pain so deep, so powerful, that every bone in his body hurt. It was different from physical pain. It was the pain of complete anguish and sorrow.

She didn't know, but he still had the ring. She didn't know, but he kept it on a chain around his neck, hidden behind his tie and shirt. He knew she knew his one desire. He knew she knew he wanted her back.

When they had separated, a mere two weeks after DI Drake had been shot and was still in her coma; she had told him she wanted to remain friends. He knew that he never wanted to only be friends with her, but it would let him still communicate with her. He knew that it was either be friends or never talk to her again. So he had chosen the former. He had agreed half-heartedly, and since then, she had been true to her word. She had started treating him as though they had only ever been mates, nothing more. She had been careful around him in Luigi's, making sure she was never on her own with him. She had recommended him books to read and he had read them in an attempt to impress her.

It hadn't worked. She was unreachable. She had closed herself off completely from him, and he couldn't get her back.

He closed his eyes. She was forever lost to him.

_Forever. _It was a whisper in his head, a reminder of what happened. A reminder of how long he would have to deal with the consequences of stopping at nothing to give her the best.

_Forever. _It was a promise of how long he would suffer. A promise of how long he would remember what he had lost.

_Forever. _A threat. A threat of what he would have to deal with for the rest of his life. A threat of the people who would still see him as corrupt, no matter how clean he became.

The phone rang. He picked it up. He knew it wouldn't be the people he had been involved with. They were all in prison, and when they had tried to name him as an accomplice, the Guv had stepped in.

Protected. He was like a little boy, always protected. He swore to himself. Because he had been such a twonk, he was watched. Maybe not under orders, but he was always watched. The Guv was watching him. DI Drake was watching him. Ray was watching him. She didn't watch him. She didn't even look at him.

The person was talking, and he nodded along to what they were saying, before realising that the other person couldn't hear him nod his head. He started to give a verbal affirmation of the fact that he understood what was going on, and wrote down that the person said. The person on the other end finished what they were saying and rang off. He called out to the Guv, and the Guv rounded up DI Drake, Ray, and _her,_ taking them out to the spot where the blag was supposed to be. He had started letting her onto cases more. He knew she would soon be a DC, just like him. It was an uncomfortable ride in the car with her wedged between him and Ray, but luckily the location was close.

There was no one there. The Guv was angry. The Guv yelled at him, calling him every name in the book. He just stared silently and did not say a word. He was too used to people calling him names. It didn't matter anymore. He had always known he wasn't the brightest in CID. It wasn't his fault. Things just didn't add up sometimes. Still he _had_ made it to CID, so he had to be alright. He continued to tell himself this as the Guv berated him, DI Drake and Ray looking on in sympathy and frustration and her, just looking away. It was his defence mechanism. He had started to tune out when the Guv called him a twat, when Ray called him a poof. He used to fill his head with thoughts of her, but he couldn't do that anymore. She wasn't his anymore.

He never realised how lonely he was before she came into his life. He was so happy when she had said yes, and devastated when she had walked out on him in CID. It was his fault that this all had happened. Possibly even that DI Drake was shot. They wouldn't have found out about the robbery if he hadn't been corrupt. Then her and the Guv wouldn't have gotten into such a huge fight. She wouldn't have been suspended, and in turn, not been shot.

He wished the Guv would have just let him resign from the force after he had been found out. The Guv was right. It truly was a punishment that he had to face CID every day. They had welcomed him back, but it was cautious, careful. They didn't let him know things; they left him out on things.

The Guv's voice was reaching its peak now and he looked down at the ground, something he knew he should be doing. The Guv liked to be in control of everything and if he had to crush a few spirits along the way, he certainly would. He didn't _not like_ the Guv. He respected the Guv like a father. The Guv had welcomed him into CID with open arms, had taught him the basics of how to work in the police force. Sam had taken over from there, but it was the Guv who had laid the foundation for him. It was just that sometimes he wished that it wasn't him that was the butt of every joke or him that was the target of every curious stare. He wished that he _was _smarter, like DI Drake was, like Sam was. Then maybe one day he would get a 'good job' from someone, instead of a 'twonk' or 'poof'.

He had tried to learn from the DIs but apparently it hadn't rubbed off too much. He had tried reading the literature, but it was difficult to understand, and he didn't want to ask anyone for help. It was times like this when he wished Sam hadn't died. Sam would have helped him. Sam had always helped him. Sam was like a big brother, always taking care of him, but not being _protective, cautious_, like everyone else was. He wondered how Sam would react if he heard he went corrupt.

The Guv fell silent, and he took this as his cue to leave and clamber back into the Quattro. He looked back up at his companions. They were all staring at him in shock. Even she was, though she hadn't looked at him directly for the past several weeks. He wanted to say her name, but he couldn't, and before he knew it, he was tumbling to the ground.

It was then that the pain had registered in his brain. A searing, burning pain, close to the muscle that pumped his life into him. Too close. He knew it was too close. She was sitting over him, like he had done to her when she had been stabbed. He couldn't say her name. He wanted to say her name, but he couldn't. He grabbed at his neck, though his body was slowly going numb. He pulled the chain off his neck and pressed it to her hand. She looked down, and the tears that had formed in her eyes started falling in earnest. She was calling his name, telling him to stay. She told him she loved him.

He smiled. She _had _loved him. Maybe, just maybe it could have worked out. But it wouldn't now. His life was seeping onto the ground beneath him. Sounds started to fade, the constant pleas of his colleagues turning into a buzz, and then to nothing. He could still see them, looking at him, worried. He could still watch as their mouths moved. A haze settled over him, and it was harder to see them.

Then, out of nowhere, a voice rang out crystal clear in the haze.

"Chris."

Chris sat up and looked around. Behind the blurring figures of his colleagues, Sam stood, watching him. "It's time to leave, Chris."

Chris nodded and stood, walking away from the people he had loved the most, from the woman he had lost. He looked down. There was no blood on his chest.

He looked back over at where his colleagues were. DI Drake and Ray were both standing around him. The Guv was nowhere to be seen. He could not hear what DI Drake and Ray were saying, but it looked like they were trying to get him to fight. She kneeled over him, pressing her hands to his chest, like DI Drake had done to her when she had nearly died two years previously. He remembered that night vividly. He had refused to believe she could die. The Guv had told him it was over. The Guv wasn't there now. He had run off somewhere. Who was going to tell her it was over? Who was going to console her? Who would help her through this? He looked at her. Tears were running down her face. Her mouth moved, and though no sound emerged, he read her lips.

"_You can't Chris. Come back. Please." _Chris looked at Sam. Sam just shook his head sadly.

"You've already crossed over, Chris. I know it's going to be hard, but you can't go back." Chris nodded, surprisingly at peace.

"She'll be alright?" he asked Sam. Shaz had to be okay. He had to make sure she would be. If she wasn't, it would eat at him.

"It'll take her some time, but yes, eventually, she will be okay. She'll never get over it all the way, but she will move on with her life."

Chris nodded and looked back on where he lay on the ground, everyone looking on sadly as she tried to revive him. He walked over to her, and looked directly in her worried face. She had stopped CPR, her face stained in tears and more pouring out of her eyes. He reached out and held her face in his hand, wiping a tear from her eye. She looked directly at him in shock, excitement, and overwhelming sadness.

"It's over, Shaz," he whispered to her. "But you'll always be my Shazza. I'll always love you. Forever."

**TBC**


	2. Shaz

_**Three Months Later**_

The day was dark, rainy and cold, just as it had been at the funeral. No eye had been dry as he had been laid to rest, not even the Guv's, though he had tried to hide it. She stood at his grave, laying flowers by it, still guilty for the way she had treated him.

She had been so happy when he had asked her to marry him, getting caught up in all the frills to do with wedding planning. Then when he had gone corrupt, she realised what she had made him do. He had become corrupt to make her happy. She had loved it when he spoiled her, but now she realised how he did it. She had felt so guilty. It was her fault he had become corrupt.

She had still loved him when she broke it off, but she couldn't deal with it anymore. The knowledge that she had made him corrupt haunted her every day. She had told him she still wanted to be friends, but she couldn't look at him directly without feeling the intense longing for things to be what they used to be. She missed him more than she could ever let on.

He didn't know that she still wanted to be with him. He didn't know that she still loved him. He only knew what she wanted him to know. He only knew that she had broken it off.

When he had died, she had cried for a week straight. It was all her fault. When she had separated with him only two weeks after DI Drake had been shot she had told him she wanted to remain friends. She didn't want to be friends with him only. She wanted to be with him, but she couldn't. She couldn't let him go corrupt again. She smiled over his attempts to impress her with his knowledge. He really was trying to win her back. She was going to ask him back, she couldn't stand it anymore. She had missed him too much. She was going to do it that afternoon.

But it was too late. He was unreachable. He had died during her attempts to resuscitate him, and she couldn't bring him back.

She closed her eyes. He was forever lost to her.

_Forever. _It was a whisper in her head, a reminder of what happened. A reminder of how long she would have to deal with the consequences of her greed.

_Forever. _It was a promise of how long she would suffer. A promise of how long she would remember what she had lost.

_Forever. _It was a cruel word, laughing at her need for him. It was constantly there, reminding her that he was not, and that it was her fault he was gone in the first place.

He had told the Guv about a blag that was going to occur, but when they had gotten there, there was no one. The Guv had yelled himself blue at him, and he had looked down. It was then that they all heard the gunshot. The Guv had fallen silent, and he had looked up at them, confusion showing in his eyes. He had opened his mouth, but then started falling. The blood was flowing quickly out of his chest, and as she looked at the wound she knew immediately there was no hope. It was too close to his heart. Suddenly he had grabbed at his neck, and pulled a chain out. She had gasped. It was her ring. He had pressed it into her hand, and the tears that had threatened to spill now flowed freely.

She had called his name, told him to stay, but slowly, he had stopped breathing. She had told him she loved him. He had smiled, and exhaled. She heard a sharp intake of breath, painful. Then his voice had whispered into the air, so quietly she had hardly heard him.

"_Sam."_

His eyes closed, and she knew he was lost, but she refused to acknowledge it. She continued CPR on him, telling him to stay with her. DI Drake had knelt by her, stopping her hands, and she started sobbing even harder.

Suddenly she felt a hand run along her cheek. She looked up to see Chris kneeling in front of her. He looked peaceful, and no blood stained his clothing. He gazed at her with his different coloured eyes, not trying to conceal the love that shone in them. His mouth opened.

"_It's over, Shaz," _he said_. "But you'll always be my Shazza. I'll always love you. Forever."_

Shaz's tears doubled, something in that moment that she didn't think was possible. DI Drake led her to the car, trying unsuccessfully to console her.

They had found the man who had shot him quickly. The Guv had run off immediately after he was shot in the direction that the bullet had come from. He had caught the man running down an alley one street over, dropping him to the ground by tripping him. When he had come back, the man bore signs of a tell-tale beating, but he just looked at DI Drake and said that the man had run into a wall.

He had done it because he knew that Chris was corrupt. He said that Chris hadn't gotten enough punishment for what he had done. The man was a fellow copper, one that was trying to rid the force of all the "black" officers and keep the white.

She had to control herself when the man said this. She had worked with this man in CID every day. She wanted to punch him, but controlled herself. Punching him wouldn't bring Chris back. Nothing could.

His funeral had been held soon after. The day was dark and gloomy, much like this day was. Now she knelt by his grave, knowing that it was her fault she had lost him. She had pushed him away. She had avoided him. She had hurt him. But he had never stopped loving her. Shaz felt the tears sting in her eyes.

He was gone. He was dead. Forever.

**Rant**


End file.
